And the victor of all things sexy and lovely shall always be Ellie Idol. So that’s why the spoils shall go to her. 

Maybe right now you are asking yourself, “How and the hell can I get in on this great privilege of spoiling the sexiest woman alive?” Good question. And here’s the answer - go to this site - http://amzn.com/w/1SHUPB1WXRFQA - and fucking buy her something. Yeah, I’ll share the wealth, allowing you the chance to bow before the Idol and bring your gifts before her, but realize that I’m the goddamn Saint Nicholas that is spreading the cheer, so I’ll always have something in my bag to put in her stocking. 

And by the way, her birthday is August 24, so hurry up and make your offering to the Idol. Trust me - she’s a goddess you’ll love to please. Just look at this picture. Damn. Yeah, definitely the victor.